| The ex appeared today unwarranted without warning at my place of work (suggested other business) in the form of limp-awkward, an apparition of past sat there on the wicker chair. This is the first time I have had the gross misfortune of being faced with it, by that 'it' I suggest a signifier of hurt, pain and grief rolled into flesh casing. I call this misfortune and yet I did awaken to the very real lack of feeling I now possess for this individual, sweet relief, with head bowed and buried in phone pretence. I felt nothing. Further, I now realise just how unattractive this person is. Forehead tilt, emblazoned with guilt-crease and false name to match, his intentions offered little of anything for another in that selfish mission. Today this message screamed true. He gave me nothing other than pain. Life was always about him. Everything in that life was always about him. Rescued in time, I have escaped. Intuition tells you when all you will become is damaged. I wish I listened to this gift we all possess earlier. I look to the notebook I carried at the time. Referenced three months in, to be precise, I wrote: "Big deep breaths and glide those eyes into the landscape. Allow whatever I have internalised, agonised over in the night to leave me. I must, this situation has the ability to destroy me and I cannot allow this again. Why though? Again? History repeating over, with intent... hurts me so much. I feel as though I should detach. I cannot live with his need to have both myself and 'it all', my only request being that he did not continue trawling the website of 'possibles'. So cruel, he rejoined the dating website, I discover this lie, he confesses at my discovery, I must detach. If there was any respect at all for either my heart or intellect; both even should one dare to ask, this would not be happening. Like grief thrice over with my parents loss prior to, like a scribbled sick triptych he kills me. One day someone will love just me, one day..." He never loved me and told me that after playing with my dear heart for a near year. He slept with someone else too. Trust your instincts no matter how much you think you can help someone. This individual begged me to stay once, even told me I had saved him. This I now realise was at my expense. Lucky escape, head up, you too if this relates to you. There is a better man or woman out there, we know this. Speaking for myself, he is beautiful...x |
