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Tuesday 28 October 2014

It's a love of light, reflection and a need to capture, not just with words but the moment...perhaps a dusting of Roland Barthes and maybe Sontag too. How I love and miss the discipline of writing, digesting and referencing such greats in essay form. I do however have a new camera... and a huge hunger to write...X

Saturday 25 October 2014

Daydreamer...X

Caught, captured, snapshot day dreaming, reflecting. This is one of my favourite pastimes, a near semi-awake meditative state. Clearly so much to think about. Another year, another set of lessons, knock backs and subsequent growth from latter devastation. Trees grow from mankind's worst decisions, permanence is not a given from pain. I am grateful for all I have needed to learn. More significantly I embrace the future. Remember stars cannot shine without darkness...x 

Monday 20 October 2014

The ex appeared today unwarranted without warning at my place of work (suggested other business) in the form of limp-awkward, an apparition of past sat there on the wicker chair. This is the first time I have had the gross misfortune of being faced with it, by that 'it' I suggest a signifier of hurt, pain and grief rolled into flesh casing. I call this misfortune and yet I did awaken to the very real lack of feeling I now possess for this individual, sweet relief, with head bowed and buried in phone pretence. I felt nothing. Further, I now realise just how unattractive this person is. Forehead tilt, emblazoned with guilt-crease and false name to match, his intentions offered little of anything for another in that  selfish mission.  Today this message screamed true. He gave me nothing other than pain. Life was always about him. Everything in that life was always about him. Rescued in time, I have escaped. Intuition tells you when all you will become is damaged. I wish I listened to this gift we all possess earlier. I look to the notebook I carried at the time. Referenced three months in, to be precise, I wrote: "Big deep breaths and glide those eyes into the landscape. Allow whatever I have internalised, agonised over in the night to leave me. I must, this situation has the ability to destroy me and I cannot allow this again. Why though? Again? History repeating over, with intent... hurts me so much. I feel as though I should detach. I cannot live with his need to have both myself and 'it all', my only request being that he did not continue trawling the website of 'possibles'. So cruel, he rejoined the dating website, I discover this lie, he confesses at my discovery, I must detach. If there was any respect at all for either my heart or intellect; both even should one dare to ask, this would not be happening. Like grief thrice over with my parents loss prior to, like a scribbled sick triptych he kills me. One day someone will love just me, one day..." He never loved me and told me that after playing with my dear heart for a near year. He slept with someone else too. Trust your instincts no matter how much you think you can help someone. This individual begged me to stay once, even told me I had saved him. This I now realise was at my expense. Lucky escape, head up, you too if this relates to you. There is a better man or woman out there, we know this. Speaking for myself, he is beautiful...x     

Hello Monday...X

Hello Monday and gratitude for a gorgeous weekend of singing, laughter and love - for those great people in my life - thank-you. How different life is if you surround yourself with positivity and genuine folk who are simply happy just to be in your company...x

Saturday 11 October 2014

Beautiful things do happen...X

 After work, the most unexpected surprise in the form of ten beautiful red roses appeared on my car. I cannot tell you what a wonderful boost this was for me, but also to the surrounding people in the neighbourhood who clearly admired the gesture too. Made my day! A good friend has said to me on many occasions 'anticipate happiness and happiness is yours'. Happiness is mine and I anticipate more, may happiness be yours too...x 

Thursday 2 October 2014

  Love You Dad 
          Everyday I think of you
       Everyday I thank you

     Everyday I miss you
                                                             Everyday I laugh about something...
                                                            yes that only  you could have said...

Everyday your Love, humour and wisdom continue to drive me forward...you told me I must go forward and I will - My Beautiful Dad - Irreplaceable - X